Football Injury leaves a 16-year-old Wheelchair-bound
His team is lined-up and ready for their opponents to move. His focus is narrowed as he watches the ball is thrown to the enemy receiver. Like a bullet, he makes a b-line straight toward the ball carrier. He can feel the rush of the tackle he is about to make. It’s going to be a perfect hit!
Pete Stenhoff, 16, a junior at Chula Vista High School in Redmond, Calif., is stuck in a wheelchair. As he rammed his head into the ball carrier’s chest, he cracked vertebrae in his spine. He could not graduate with his class because of the injury.
There are 20,000 injuries in high school football each year -- 12 percent of them permanently disabling the victims. Thirteen youths died last year. Thirty-five percent of the injuries are to the neck or head. Most critics blame the helmet.
Note:
My focus is on youth football injuries. I used Stenhoff's anecdote as the hook for my lead.
The second paragraph of the exercise stated, “Pete Stenhoff, 16, a junior at Chula Vista High School in Redmond, Calif., was hurt in a game during his senior year.”
How is he a junior, but was hurt in his senior year. Just pointing out that the would be impossible, unless he was demoted a grade. Weird.
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Yeah, that poor guy ... injured and demoted. (Note to self: gotta fix that.) On the other hand, the good news is that my mistake is worth 4 points extra credit to you!
ReplyDeleteGood job on this exercise, except I'd like to see a more of a transition from your first paragraph to your second one. It's nice to give your reader a hint that you're changing time periods on them.
How about:
That "perfect hit" left Pete Stenhoff, 16, then a junior at Chula Vista High School in Redmond, Calif., stuck in a wheelchair.
19/20