Fact Set #1: Pipe Fitter
Immediate Identification:
Duane La Chance, 55, a pipe fitter at the Springfield Municipal Power Plant, accidentally touched a power line carrying 15,000 volts with a piece of iron that put him in serious condition with third-degree burns.
Delayed Identification:
A pipe fitter employee from the Springfield Municipal Power Plant is in critical condition at the Springfield Hospital after suffering third-degree burns from being electrocuted by a 15,000 volt power line with a piece of angle iron.
Fact Set #2: Car Accident
Immediate identification:
Wayne Clay, 19, drove his car across the center line going north on U.S. 63 near Blue Ridge Road and collided with a Ford Focus driven by 20-year old James W. Cunning.
Delayed identification:
A teen driver crosses the center line of U.S. 63 and struck the vehicle of a 20-year old male’s car at 11:45am today. The victim is currently at Springfield Hospital.
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1a: Leave out the Gross Engineers part (can come later) and tell me where the accident took place.
ReplyDelete1b: This works better, but add the "where."
2a: Don't start a sentence with a numeral. Focus on the guy who got hurt -- that's what makes this news.
2b: Focus on the guy who got hurt. People aren't "held" at hospitals -- that makes it sound like he's in jail.
7/10
Better. 7+1=8/10
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